tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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