Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
