An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
we should paint friendship bongs
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