what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
