You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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