Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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