She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
