Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
