if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
