i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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