neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
