He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
