I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
