She announced her abortion via fbk
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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