Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
