I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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