I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
