Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
