That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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