Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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