When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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