And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
