I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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