there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize