ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
