I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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