Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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