If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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