I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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