I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
