No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
