So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
