I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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