i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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