If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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