My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
