Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
