Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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