i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
