i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
