I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
