Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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