your parents love me but you hate me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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