GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
