Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize