love makes seman taste better
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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