i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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