did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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