dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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