If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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