If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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