6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
