if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
