I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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