I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
