I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
