You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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