I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
