Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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