I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize