Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
